During my extremely long and eventful life i have subjected my body to numerous reincarnations of fast-food. Oh yes! I've tasted it all. From baconators to fried chicken, i've walked many heart clogging paths.... but only one has forever left me with a most painful memory...... a demon known as McDonald's. A corporate giant, a home for murderers, some would say population control. the tale i am about to tell you is not for the fat of heart...i explain.
July 9th, 2003 a man by the name of Jose Montanez comes home from a long day of work. on his way home he stopped at the local McEatery for a Mcburger and some Mcfries with a free McSprite. all of which combined make a total of $4.26 (including the McSprite.)
Jose takes a seat in his $149 leather reclining chair and turns on Will & Grace. He unwraps the greasy burger and takes one gigantic bite and feels the tender tickle of grease roll down his throat. at that exact moment a man in a Conan O' Brien mask bursts into his home with a shotgun and shoots him in the face. the next day his family sued McDonalds for his murder. Thankfully they won, but the McAtrocities didn't stop there.
March 21, 2010. A woman by the name of Carla Swanson gives birth to a baby girl named Jennifer Swanson. Jennifer is born a obese. Another lawsuit towards McDonald's. later review determined the fat birth had nothing to do with the genetic history of fat children, this one was extra fat.
And finally we come to my story. Oct. 2, 2011. I hadn't dared to touch McDonald's food for about 6 years (long enough to finally clear my palette of it's taste.) and after those six years i decided to go back to that forsaken place. "Why?" do you ask?..... well I had answers that needed questioning. so i returned to the closest McEatery and burst open the door. a woman and her tubby child were headed my direction to exit the "restaurant" so i punched them both in the face. i then stomped up to the register, slammed my hands on the counter and looked the employee straight in the eyes and asked, "are you the proprietor!?" to which they responded, "No, i just work here. what can i get for you sir?" we then shared five minutes of uninterrupted eye-contact. as i stared deep into those tiny high school eyes i finally whispered: "I want what has been known to take lives." the cashier gave me a nod and went to the back. when they returned they handed me a salad.... and a diet Coke.
......did i survive you ask? i will tell you now that i did survive with only an incredibly unrepairable Colon. I believe that McDonald's let me live that day so that i could write this blog, thus increasing it's infamy. my story will grow to be a fable you tell your children, it is my greatest hope that they suffer not what i have suffered. so when you get a craving and you feel like tasting something nasty, i beg you not to eat at Mac Donard's.
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