It's been a long while since I've touched this blog. Not because I have nothing to write about, I just haven't had the drive to do so in a while. At first "Words and Other Destructive Weapons" was meant to be used to record my rambling stories of fictional comedy and then it became a haven for my moody, tortured and honestly shallow and dry poems or thoughts on love AND if it couldn't have gotten any worse it became a rubbish bin/ weapon for my aching heart after a needlessly destructive break-up. (You won't find many or any of those posts now, because they are too hurtful to be kept alive in this place and the person involved doesn't deserve them.)
I came to realize (after reading a friend's blog) that I can use this site again, as a means to record my thoughts but not in the same way as I used it before. I want to express what I am feeling but I don't want to write a long whiny poem that pretends to be Artsy without any heart put into it and I don't want to use my words as a means to get back at those who hurt me. I just want to speak my mind as plainly as possible and hope that I make my points clear.
Another reason for this blog's return is that lately I have found it harder to speak my mind out in the open. So much has been going on in the lives of my closest friends and family that upon our meeting we find it hard to talk about anything else. Either it's the stresses of work or school, who is infatuated with who, or who is no longer infatuated with what. Not one of these is a minor issue to me, these are the conflicts of the people I care for the most, I consider them incredibly important. But when I meet a friend or relative and they seamlessly transition into a full detox of emotion it's hard for myself to chime in and do the same. This is not the fault of my friends. How could they know that I am in need of a damn good venting when I don't ever come to them with my issues?...I mean... isn't that what friends are for? Secondly when I sit alone and brood on an issue of mine for hours I always come to the same conclusion...."Comparatively it's not that important.".....Now I don't actually know if this is just repression or that I am thinking logically for the first time in my life but when compared to what is going on in the lives of certain friends I find it extremely hard to justify shedding any tears for what upsets me. I may be forced to live in solitude for a few more years but at least I'm the one with socks on my feet, right?
I've been told that what is going on in my life is important and yes, I agree, if it weighs on my mind and exhausts me this much then it has to carry some amount of importance. I just try to figure out how important the issue really is.
"That person refuses to quit torturing themselves? Why bother?! You can't save everyone
"This person can't return the feelings you have for them? Plenty more chances for happiness in the future!"
This sounds good right? I'm rolling with the punches and trying to keep my head up high when nature knocks me down. But it is in this that I find risk. I'm constantly afraid of and have lately found evidence that shrugging these issues off has somehow weakened the existence of my soul. When certain friends come to me to vent I feel as though I don't show as much care as I should because I keep thinking to myself:
"Why can't you step up and take care of it? You are refusing to be happy."
This thought always makes me tremble because of how cold it can be. I feel as though some friends need to hear this but not in this phrasing and not from me. When this thought appears I feel my heart sink because it only serves to remind me that I am not paying attention to how it felt when I found myself in a similar situation. I have already climbed my way out of that dark place and am fine now thus I am cold and unresponsive to my dear friend's plight. I am scared everyday that I am losing my heart again, lately I have distanced myself away from my pack because I don't want to hurt them by not caring and it is that fear that makes me quiet and unresponsive to others in my life as well.
I'm going to try and find my way back to the unworried self I once was. Because if I can't help myself, then how can I be there for the ones who are keeping me going?
Alrighty, that was my ramble for the night....which brings me to my next issue (Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuum) I find it extremely hard to talk about myself and not feel like a pretentious douche bag afterwards but I wrote this and it should come out just so that I can say what I feel needs to be said so that I don't keep it bottled up.....
........
...........
............okeh......
.....I'mma gonna post it......
...here I go........
...any second.............
....just....gotta press that "Publish" key......
......err.......
....Ooops!!! I slipped.
Friend mine,even as one who is a bit removed from your usual circle, allow me to say that I am so glad you made a whole post about your own feelings. I have long been impressed with how endlessly you give of yourself and your exceptional empathy. Here is why you feel like you're losing your heart: what you do is damn exhausting and you don't have unlimited resources... especially when you give all you can to others and then figure out your own issues all by your lonesome. You'll need to construct additional pylons to keep this up. Also, your own thoughts and feelings, even personal internal tempests and nothing more, are just as valid as whatever situational woes your friends endure. Anywho, you're doing very well, keep fighting the good fight, and know that if you ever need to vent to someone outside of the situation, I'm here and willing. So, yes. Stumbled across this and felt compelled to saaaaay... something.
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